soap opera

soooo its been a while... really a year or so... but im in need of a rant...

my life the soap opera... jeremy & i got accepted on a house to rent in q-town... but i decided against it as it was goinna cost $575 a month and with him not having a job there yet, i knew i couldnt afford it on my own... ive been paying all our bills plus my own since october or november... meaning im depeleating anything i thought i had in savings, and then some... we are still looking for houses... which means we pretty much see one we like then find out they wont allow dogs, or we cant afford it, or i realize that Jeremy still doesnt have a job in town so whats the point?! his temp job is an hour drive one way.... and only $8 which isnt worth the gas money... its really not worth anything. it ends in a month from now. which is also when our lease ends....

well last week jeremys ex called him to tell him she is getting divorced and she NOW wants him to his sons life... his son turned 2 in feb. but jeremy hasnt had anything to do with him since birth... when she was married, she didnt care if jeremy had a part in jake's life, well, as long as he paid child support she didnt care. soooo she called monday and wanted jeremy to come see jake on thursday... needless to say i am soooooo suspicious of her intentions, and with my past experience with men (boys) i am hateful, jealous and not trusting.... he ended up spending the whole afternoon with them, then took mandy and jake to his basketball game, then tucked jake in to bed and didnt even get home until after I got home from work that night... which is about 11pm! i'm in melt down mode... words cant even describe the emotions that i had when i began to think about the whole day and all the time that he spent with them, and im sure part of it is me being selffish and wondering where i fit in this picture.... as if my life wasnt stressful enough, trying to pay for all our bills making $10 an hour, trying to get jeremy to get a freaking job, trying to find a house to rent so i dont have to get stuck in our tiny house for a 2nd time... not to mention my car accident, stress from work, and everything else that i have to deal with... its major melt down time... and i dont even know what to do about it, how to deal with it or anything!

sooo for the title of this rant.... in the heat of a fight about all this i told jeremy that i pictured my future as a fairy tale, not a soap opera. and i dont even know how to get around it. im sure my melt down mode has put me in the mentality of "leave him before he leaves you"..... but im biting my tongue and trying hard not to push jeremy away, but i honestly dont know if this is all something i will ever be able to deal with.